Community Breast

The other night at trivia I blew a Monopoly question. It's not often that we get a category dropped in our laps like that, but I just blanked. The question was, "How much do you win for coming in second place in a Beauty contest?" Were the question about anything else at all concerning the game of Monopoly, I probably would have known it. I narrowed it down to either $11 or $14, but I couldn't remember which one. I was leaning towards $11, and Jesse, one of my teammates, agreed that in my version of the game, it was $11. The problem was, we were almost certain that in the updated version of the game, it was no longer eleven. Turned out the answer was $10. I was annoyed, so when I got home, I opened up my Monopoly box and shuffled through the stack of yellow Community Chest cards (or as I called it as a kid, Community Breast) and sure enough, my card said $11.

Which got my thinking: What type of beauty contest only rewards 10 or 11 dollars for 2nd place? So I decided I would go through all the Community Chest and Chance cards and come up with some improvements.

1. You have won 2nd prize in a Beauty Contest, collect $11. I would make it at least $25. If second place only received 11 dollars, I can't imagine first place getting anymore than 30. And when I came in 2nd place at the mini golf tournament years ago, I got $25 bucks and free golf for two years. And that was just for tapping a ball around, not being beautiful.

2. Bank Error in your favor, collect $200. I love to turn over this card, but honestly it makes no sense. What bank is going to hand you $200 for something you would never even know about? If they see they made a $200 mistake, it's probably electronic anyway. Peck a few buttons, bingo.

3. A Collection has been taken up and Everyone must donate 10% of his (sic) holding to you (cash). A collection has been taken up? By whom? The picture on the card depicts a man holding an upside down bowler hat and people dropping in bills. Wouldn't happen.

4. Grand Opera Opening. Collect $50 from every player for Opening Night seats. I understand the draw of the opera. I'm sure it's very entertaining. But why does someone else have to pay for your opera seats? Because it's opening night? Why not just make it a pay $50 for Opening night opera seats instead of making a total stranger pay for your tickets.

5. Get out of Jail free card. I don't need to explain why this makes no sense.

6. Receive for Services $25. Doesn't say what type of services. It's particularly disturbing when someone turns over this card right after getting out of jail.

7. Pay Hospital $100. My only problem with this card is the picture. A nurse carrying a tray with a glass of water on it. Here's your water, now that'll be 100 dollars.

8. Go Back to Baltic Avenue. Maybe my favorite card in the game. There should be more of these. I believe there are only five: Baltic, Take a ride on the Reading, Advance to St. Charles Place, Advance to Illinois Avenue, Take a walk on the Boardwalk. More if you count the nearest utility, nearest railroad, jail, and advance to Go. I want to see an advance to Pacific Avenue. The poor dark greens.

9. You have been elected Chairman of the Board of Directors. Pay Each player $50. Whoa, slow down. You elect me chairman of the board and then make me dole out $50 to everyone in the game, whether they're on the board of directors or not? Sounds like a milk monitor. I looked up Chairman in the dictionary, just to be safe, and it says nothing about paying board members out of pocket. My favorite definition for the word was "someone employed to wheel a person in a chair."

10. Pay School tax of $150. This is one of the most costly cards in either deck. And the picture won't put you in a better mood. We see a school with a bunch of kids running around out front. If I'm paying $150 I want those kids in classroom. No more recesses.

And another thing, why do I have to pay when I land on a railroad owned by someone else? Yes, I'm in the station, but I haven't gone anywhere yet. I could understand if I was on one railroad square and rolled a 10 to get to the next one. Clearly I'd travelled by train. But I shouldn't have to pay when I land on one, not until I roll on my next turn- that's when I'm actually using the rail service.