Sometime last year, Breanne asked me what I wanted for Christmas Jr. I eventually narrowed it down to either Opening day, A's vs Red Sox in Oakland, or Ricky Gervais live in L.A. I chose Ricky. That was December. 8 months later, and the date has finally arrived.
We left our apartment for L.A. around 9 am on Friday. We've yet to experience bad traffic in San Francisco, though we've only taken the car out a handful of times. Once we left Oakland and hit the 5 there was little traffic until Los Angeles county. The drive down wasn't too bad. I mostly did Sudokus and or squeezed my tennis ball- I'm trying to improve my wrist strength.
We played a few rounds of 20 questions too, which Breanne claimed to have never played before. She was good though she was prone to giving a lot of questionable answers. One round she was thinking of a goat, and after I'd already established that it was an animal, she answered "yes" when I asked if it was smaller than a dog. The question before that was, "is it bigger than a cat?" I was confused but I eventually got it when I deduced that it was a farm animal.
We stopped outside of Bakersfield to get some lunch but it was over 100 degrees when we got out of the car so we got back in and kept driving. Eventually we found a Subway.
It took us a hair under 6 hours, not including stops for gas and food, to get to our motel in Hollywood. I say it was in Hollywood, and while it was, it could have been any suburb in any city. The motel was an Econo Lodge and it had a small but deep pool with floaties waiting in it. It took us a long time to check in because the lady in the lobby had to keep changing glasses to read the computer screen and check her papers. Breanne guessed she had 3 or 4 pair.
We ate at a Pupuseria for dinner. It was delicious. We split some pupusas and plantains and a couple of shakes. We were the only ones there, but a German family came in half way through our meal and asked if they had french toast. The answer was no and they left looking somber.
In the motel room we watched 20/20. A fight on a school bus. Cops giving too many parking tickets. A mother spraying a child with a high-pressure water hose at a car wash.
In the morning we got up early so we could go to the beach. Breanne went to the lobby to get us some muffins or something from the continental breakfast but a woman was leaving with all the food. Apparently she had a big tray of all the donuts and pastries and she was bringing them back to her room.
The beach was great. It was a bit cloudy when we arrived but it warmed up nicely. I rode some waves and waded out to my nipples so I could piss in the water. Breanne started talking to a fat little boy, probably 9 or so, who mistook her for his friend. He followed us around for a bit. Breanne got salt water in her mouth and expectorated. The boy said, "you know, I don't see a lot of girls your age out in the water. And none of them spit."
We met Jamie and Hannah for lunch at Barney's Beanery. We had two pitchers of Fat Tire and I drank 3 1/2 glasses. I instantly fell asleep when I got back to the beach.
Though it was a pleasant day, it seemed to take forever as I was so excited for the show. We parked in the lot behind the Kodak and kicked around in the mall for 20 minutes or so before we could get inside. The Kodak was fancy. They have the Oscars there and some other things. American Idol. I read somewhere that it cost $95 million to build it. Our seats were good ones. First row of the balcony, the closest seats you could get on ticket master. I'm not sure where all the baldies in the orchestra pit got their tickets.
At 7:30, the opening act came on, an Egyptian guy named Ahmad Ahmad. He was OK, but every joke was about his being Arab looking and getting shit for it. Luckily he was only on stage for 10 minutes.
We left our apartment for L.A. around 9 am on Friday. We've yet to experience bad traffic in San Francisco, though we've only taken the car out a handful of times. Once we left Oakland and hit the 5 there was little traffic until Los Angeles county. The drive down wasn't too bad. I mostly did Sudokus and or squeezed my tennis ball- I'm trying to improve my wrist strength.
We played a few rounds of 20 questions too, which Breanne claimed to have never played before. She was good though she was prone to giving a lot of questionable answers. One round she was thinking of a goat, and after I'd already established that it was an animal, she answered "yes" when I asked if it was smaller than a dog. The question before that was, "is it bigger than a cat?" I was confused but I eventually got it when I deduced that it was a farm animal.
We stopped outside of Bakersfield to get some lunch but it was over 100 degrees when we got out of the car so we got back in and kept driving. Eventually we found a Subway.
It took us a hair under 6 hours, not including stops for gas and food, to get to our motel in Hollywood. I say it was in Hollywood, and while it was, it could have been any suburb in any city. The motel was an Econo Lodge and it had a small but deep pool with floaties waiting in it. It took us a long time to check in because the lady in the lobby had to keep changing glasses to read the computer screen and check her papers. Breanne guessed she had 3 or 4 pair.
We ate at a Pupuseria for dinner. It was delicious. We split some pupusas and plantains and a couple of shakes. We were the only ones there, but a German family came in half way through our meal and asked if they had french toast. The answer was no and they left looking somber.
In the motel room we watched 20/20. A fight on a school bus. Cops giving too many parking tickets. A mother spraying a child with a high-pressure water hose at a car wash.
In the morning we got up early so we could go to the beach. Breanne went to the lobby to get us some muffins or something from the continental breakfast but a woman was leaving with all the food. Apparently she had a big tray of all the donuts and pastries and she was bringing them back to her room.
The beach was great. It was a bit cloudy when we arrived but it warmed up nicely. I rode some waves and waded out to my nipples so I could piss in the water. Breanne started talking to a fat little boy, probably 9 or so, who mistook her for his friend. He followed us around for a bit. Breanne got salt water in her mouth and expectorated. The boy said, "you know, I don't see a lot of girls your age out in the water. And none of them spit."
We met Jamie and Hannah for lunch at Barney's Beanery. We had two pitchers of Fat Tire and I drank 3 1/2 glasses. I instantly fell asleep when I got back to the beach.
Though it was a pleasant day, it seemed to take forever as I was so excited for the show. We parked in the lot behind the Kodak and kicked around in the mall for 20 minutes or so before we could get inside. The Kodak was fancy. They have the Oscars there and some other things. American Idol. I read somewhere that it cost $95 million to build it. Our seats were good ones. First row of the balcony, the closest seats you could get on ticket master. I'm not sure where all the baldies in the orchestra pit got their tickets.
At 7:30, the opening act came on, an Egyptian guy named Ahmad Ahmad. He was OK, but every joke was about his being Arab looking and getting shit for it. Luckily he was only on stage for 10 minutes.
Then the lights went down. People started hooting and whistling in the dark. A voice, deep and resonant, thanks to the sound system, started listing of all of Ricky Gervais' credentials- his Emmy's and BAFTAs and Golden Globes and what not. Finally, the curtains opened and the stage was lit up by 40 foot tall block letters, dotted with bulbs, that spelled out 'RICKY!'. The letters were bookended by tall sparklers. Gervais strolled onto the stage in an elaborate crown and cape while an ACDC song played.
The routine was brilliant. I'm not going to walk through the whole thing Even a couple of the segments I'd seen on youtube 10 times made my gut hurt from laughing. His best bit was probably his retelling of the Humpty Dumpty story. He was pointing out how stupid it was to call all the king's horses to help put an egg back together. I also liked the list of random animal facts he supposedly got off the internet. I'm not a huge fan of stand-up but I would definitely see Ricky Gervais again. I told Breanne it was the best birthday present I've ever received and it's the truth. For thirteen years the incumbent greatest present had been the street hockey goalie pads my grandmother bought me.
The drive back to San Francisco was not as enjoyable. We left Hollywood Blvd around 10 pm and didn't get back until 5:30 in the morning.
I drove the majority of the way, with Breanne spelling me for about an hour after we stopped for gas. There was a rest area on some lonely stretch of the highway and we stopped to go to the bathroom. In the men's room a boy warned me not to go into one of the stalls and I thanked him but my voice squeaked. I think it was from all the singing I was doing in the car. Singing helps me stay awake. Try falling asleep whilst singing sometime- it ain't easy. We took some coins out of the console and walked over to the vending machines. Breanne bought an iced tea and I pushed the numbers for a snickers. The coil spun but the bar stuck. I tilted the machine with one angry arm and dropped it. With a bang it jarred the snickers loose, and the one behind it. Two snickers.
I want to thank the Talking Heads, the Traveling Wilburys, Elvis Costello, REO Speedwagon, Cat Stevens and Elliot Smith for helping me stay awake the last four hours. And the Marlins and Dodgers for going in to extra innings. I also want to thank the people at Snickers.
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